Ever since I was 16 or so, I've realized that putting pen to paper was 'easy'. Rarely did I struggle with an opening sentence or a closing thought. I even freelanced as a writer for a season when my children were small. For a time, I thought my writing ability was going to catapult me into preaching full time!
I think self-acknowledged gifts can be a huge blessing. However, if you're not careful with those gifts, they can be a self-imposed curse. In my case, I got sucked into the online vortex of seemingly endless online checks and rechecks of my blog's hit counter. I became a slave to thinking about how many Facebook 'likes' I received, how many times my blog was shared, how many people commented and... and... and. The more public acclaim and acknowledgement I received, the more I felt affirmed. If I didn't hear about peoples' tears, or if fewer people read my blog than a previous post, the more I felt I had to hit the next blog out of the park. So, I quit. I quit writing because I felt unnecessarily tied to my blog's popularity and that's what I told myself. The focus of my writing became internal, and not external as God intended.
Here's the truth as I see it now. Since Wendi's diagnosis of Stage IV Glioblastoma Multiforme a.k.a. a brain tumor, I have become more aware of the hidden powers of darkness and light battling each other. For when we feel confident in Wendi's healing, there often follows a distraction that turns our attention away from God and his healing to unrelated sources of family stresses and outside tension. It's like when the phone rings when you are about to pray. That's not a coincidence by the way! There is another world that we can't see, and if you stick your head in the dirt long enough, you'll stop discerning between good and evil. You'll stop sensing that there are outside forces that seek only to destroy what is good, and you'll merely accept those disruptions as 'one of those things'. 1 Peter 5:8 states clearly: "Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour." The wolf can wear all sorts of deceptive clothing!
That was me. I was outwitted. My gift of writing - that is meant to be for God's kingdom - became self-idolatry and I told myself to stop writing. I was tricked into thinking that I should stop writing because it was being a hindrance to my relationship with Jesus. I hope that makes sense! What I didn't realize is that people who read my blog were being blessed by it and were receiving something of God's joy from it. Maybe not all the time, but sometimes! And, that's okay. God's word never returns to him empty or void no matter what we may think.
If this has happened to you - if you have a gift or special talent that you know has blessed others, don't deprive them of that gift. Don't make it about yourself. Don't get tricked into thinking that your gifts are a burden and that you should avoid engaging in them. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Identify the truth. Ask others how they can support you. Go ahead, sing, dance, play music, write a poem, carve stone, mold clay, repair a car, paint a room, visit a stranger, cook a meal, pick lice out of hair if that's your gift... and bless others with arms spread out.
I'm going to write again. I don't know for how long but I already have some ideas that I can't wait to share! This time, I'm going to try really hard to ignore 'the stats', the comments, the likes and only focus on what matters. Maybe, in 50 years, this blog will still be online and someone may blow the dust off of it and be blessed. Only God knows.
It's not about me or you. Or my wife's battle with brain cancer. It never has been, never is, and never will be.
It's about Jesus... always has been, always is, and always will be.
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